I was sixteen. You were nineteen and the good friend of a friend.
We spent the night fooling around. First at the party. Then at my house.
You threw the condom onto the roof of the shed outside my window. I cursed, you laughed.
Then at your house, we fucked in your basement. I remember it was pretty great.
The next morning, we sat on either sides of the couch watching The Transfomers: The Movie while we ate overly-sweet cereal.
"Come here," you said, putting your bowl down. I was curious and hopeful. I found you attractive.
You had me lie on the couch next to you, and you took up a pillow and put it over my face. Pressed down. Hard.
I struggled.
You lifted the pillow and looked at me, your dark eyes wide and innocent.
"It's ok," you said. "Don't fight it."
The pillow came down again. I couldn't breathe.
I pushed it away when I got my hands under it.
"Don't you understand?" you said with a gentle smile. "Just... trust me. Don't fight it. Come on..."
This time the pillow pressed harder against my face, and I had to buck with all my strength to be free.
I stood panting in the middle of the living room as you took up your bowl of cereal and turned your attention back to the TV.
I left. Ran down the street. Feet striking the pavement, lungs burning.
...
...
...
It was only when I finally slowed, finally leaned down, hands to knees, gulping in air, that I realized just how excited I felt.
I wasn't afraid.
Not of you.
I was afraid of the desire that coursed through me at the thought of relinquishing control.
Were you trying to kill me?
What if I had stayed and submitted?
Wow. Breathtaking. Thanks for sharing that.
Glad you liked it.
“What if I had stayed and submitted?”
Ahh, that’s the all important question, isn’t it, Sir? The fight between nearly overwhelming conflicting desires: ‘trust and submit’ versus ‘fear and self-protection.’ And, because of that conflict, when we do submit, it is—in my opinion—the most beautiful gift we (subs) give our Doms. Of course, there’s also mighty fine rewards to be had in giving said gift *wink*
JLT =)
It’s a very powerful memory for me. It’s been over twenty years, and it still pops into my head at least once a month.
I think it was really the first time that I’d addressed the idea of total control over another person (both relinquishing or taking). I’d thought about it a few times, just light fantasies, but hadn’t really felt it before.
I’ll write more about my D/s facets one day when I find the right words.